I've been thinking a lot about the past few years lately. Justin and
I have been through quite a bit together. We will be celebrating our
4th wedding anniversary this June and it seems like time has just
slipped by.
We are having a baby. I am farther along
than I ever have been and I wish I could say that I've let fear go but I
haven't quite yet. I wish I could say that I've enjoyed being pregnant
but I can't because I haven't at all. I wish I could say that I am so
thankful and grateful that we've made it this far but I haven't said
that in my head or out loud. To avoid any worry or stress, I've let
indifference settle in...not to say that I am not excited about having a
baby come November. But I just haven't quite reached the point where I
am utterly thrilled like I was the first time I was pregnant a few
years ago. I can't quite let myself think everything will go as planned
now that we're past the critical first trimester. For those that know
me well, I've always been a half-empty glass girl. I don't expect the
best in people. I am always waiting for the bottom to fall out. That's
not to say that I live my life thinking and preparing for the worst but
I don't get my hopes overly up. I brace for the "realistic" events
that could occur. "Realistic" as a friend put it and I thought that fit
perfectly. If anything the past few years have taught me, I take one
day, week, month at a time. For the most part, pregnancy has been
typical..."night" sickness instead of morning sickness, fatigue, and
food aversion. When I say I feel indifferent toward this pregnancy, I
mean I haven't taken belly pictures, haven't read any books I've been
given, haven't talked much about names, haven't decided for sure if
we're going to find out what it is, haven't started to prepare for
anything! This makes me feel guilty. I asked a friend if the baby
could hear my thoughts of frustration and ill-will about being so sick
and selfishly indifferent. She assured me that no he/she couldn't but I
just can't quite send enough love to this baby to take away the guilt I
have felt for the past few weeks. We wanted for so long to be
pregnant, carry to term, and have our child. I have ideas in my head of
what I'll tell our baby when he/she arrives but I'm so scared to let
myself think of making it to that point. Justin and I don't talk a lot
about "happy" baby topics because we are constantly on edge bracing for
what could go wrong. I suppose that's why I've developed this
indifference. We are resilient and strong from the past losses and can
deal with every disappointment but now we need to learn how to accept a
happy ending. We have another ultrasound next week and I keep telling
myself that once I make it to 15 weeks, see the growing baby, hear a
strong heartbeat, I will be able to start getting excited. I hope my
thought process is right.
We had a scare a week or so
ago when I awoke at 3:30 AM bleeding and cramping. I panicked and
called Justin immediately as he was out of town. For the next 3-4 hours
I laid in bed hoping but knowing what could or could not be happening.
I called and scheduled an appointment that morning. The OBGYN
performed an ultrasound showing a strong heartbeat but placenta
previa...my placenta had lowered and come to find out later, my
progesterone had dipped low. BUT baby D was okay. So, pelvic rest was
prescribed and I stopped exercising, bending, lifting, etc. I have felt
better overall as "night" sickness is letting up and I'm not as tired
as I was. I think the rest part was one of the most important
recommendations! We were told that I will be on all hormonal injections
until I deliver as well just to ensure my progesterone levels don't
drop too low. I know our doctors are trying their best and I feel more
comfortable with them than any others we have seen. I trust what they
are doing and recommending to us. So, we will wait anxiously for next
week and then the next 25 weeks after that until we get to the end and
deliver a healthy baby.
