It's been awhile since my last post and I am sorry to keep you all in suspense to know of our busy, interesting lives:) Haha! We have been keeping our nose to the grindstone, getting ready for spring, taking Blaze for walks, working out at our new Crossfit Heartland gym, and enjoying our evenings together. We, I mean, I still have my ups and downs. Sometimes getting through the day takes a lot but I don't think that's any different from anyone else with hardships in their lives. Since the last post, I've had some moments of sadness and despair but MORE moments of loving our life we've created. I've come to some more realizations... more wits of wisdom from yours truly. What's happened to change my mind about what's really important in our lives: A death. Life is sometimes cruel and unfair but most of all too short. A good friend's mother passed away after battling uphill for a number of years. It was really, really nice to see her again but not under such sad circumstances. I was so happy to be there for her and I realized I needed to be there for her more than I had in the past few years. You are a great friend and I love you! Thank you for letting me be the friend I once was! Friends. As I've said in the past posts, I have made some great friends in Grand Island. I am so lucky to be able to play bunko, volleyball, and have a good support group. I have to shout out to my red-headed lady who I am so glad I met in college. Our weekly coffee visits are some of the best times I've had with you doing nothing but drinking a steamer or hot chocolate and hashing out our weekly drama. My fellow YMCA lady has been so very nice to work with and get to know. You are very thoughtful, sensitive, and can make me laugh DAILY! My coworker at the BMAC has been fantastic to work with, learn from, and help me navigate life. She really is sincere and so very helpful!! Visits to Omaha. I really like getting back to Omaha to visit. I've been able to see my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and sister over the past few months. I love seeing them as I was used to do that on a weekly basis when we lived in Fremont. My niece is growing into the most adorable, silly, sweet girl. She definitely entertains. What did we do or talk about before you?! Education. I am taking my Celiac disease more seriously than ever because I feel it's impacting our ability to have children. I have been reading articles online, talking with my neighbor who is a great source of information, and will be making an appointment for the GI doctor to ensure there aren't any other hidden GI issues. I want to do everything we can to avoid another miscarriage. After the first and second miscarriage, I absorbed as much as I could from online articles, books, talking with our OBGYN, etc. However, I think my concerns with the celiac disease was downplayed when it may have more of an impact on me than I thought. I don't have the same symptoms I had two years ago but I know gluten is not eliminated 100% from my diet. My husband. Justin can get me out of those "downs" I talked about earlier because they are pretty rough. Whatever I am experiencing...whether it be depression or not...my emotions can be triggered by the dumbest things. Baby items, pictures, pregnant bellies, etc. At times, I feel so engulfed by loss. I feel guilty because I am still grieving almost a year from when we were pregnant the first time. I feel guilty because I should be "over it" by now. I feel guilty because I don't pray to our babies everyday. I feel guilty because pregnancy is all around me leaving me to think "why not me?" I feel guilty for being jealous that others are living their dreams without the pain of having it taken away in an instance. I feel guilty because I over analyze everything I put in my body and think I could do better. Basically, I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself and for being negative. But, I am not "over it". I can cry in an instance. I don't know what's going to make it better. I am going through the motions every day. Sometimes slapping a smile on my face works and I can have a good day. Justin is very supportive and I am so, so glad he's in this with me. I love you! My YMCA friend gave me a pamphlet about miscarriage which was so helpful. Part of it was about forgiving yourself and allowing yourself the time to grieve that you need. I need to feel sad because our babies were beautiful. I need to feel happy because I need the hope that we will be blessed with a baby. Needless to say, I want some answers. I am going to do anything I can to find them.
Lots of rambling tonight but there's no other way to say "this sucks". I can be as positive as I want...but in the end this sucks!! There that made me feel better. :)
