Battle of the Heart and Mind

Today is a better day than yesterday. I go tomorrow morning to the surgery center to have our baby removed. I don't want to forget him. I don't know why nobody talks about this. This baby was the best thing that ever happened to Justin and I. I am not ashamed of how it ended. I am deeply, deeply saddened but I don't want people to feel sorry for us. This was God's will and it took a couple of days to realize this. I was mad at first. Then I was sad. And now I am beginning to understand that it's all part of a bigger plan. But it's hard to think about where he is right now. I know he's in Heaven with my grandparents and God. At this moment, he's still part of me and knowing that gives me some solace. I want to cherish him and his soul. His heart beat at 7 weeks and at 10 weeks he could be called a fetus. His heart had been beating and his organs were beginning to develop. When I saw him on the ultrasound, he was beautiful. He looked very much like a baby even if he was only 1 inch long. He was suspended motionless in my womb. I don't want to forget any of this because God had created life out of our love.

At church today, the priest talked about letting the Holy Spirit into our hearts and praying to God for his gifts. Praying for what we knew he could provide and for the gifts that we had no idea he could provide. I prayed for this baby and he answered my prayers. For 10 weeks, I had the best gift of life that God could ever give us. I have to believe we will be blessed again. I cried through most of the service because everything reminded me of the baby. I know that Justin feels the same thing. We will move on but this is now part of us. We will never forget the emotions we've had since we found out we were pregnant. And we will especially never forget the feelings we had when we found out we lost the baby. So we'll take one day at a time. We have to get through tomorrow and then we'll have a clean slate to try again. We'll be able to say good-bye until we see him again in Heaven.