Just Another Manic Thursday

Today was a good day that seemed to end badly.  Nothing to do with work but just simply coming home and cleaning up around the house.  I was organizing bills and filing some paperwork.  I ran across the ultrasound pictures from our first baby.  There are moments when the pains of this loss still hit.  Especially with the recent loss still fresh on my mind.  It's overwhelming and so despairing.  I can be just fine one minute and the next in a total loss of sadness and depression.
I put the pictures in a frame because our baby was so beautiful.  The picture was just sitting atop some papers from the doctor so I finally decided to do something with it to preserve it a bit better.  He brought us so much joy from the first moment we knew of him and so did his brother or sister.  We will try again and hope to have better success next time.  Little reminders like this will be around for the rest of our days.  I think it's inevitable that every time I see a baby, baby clothes/toys, pregnant women, etc. it will be a reminder.  But I want to be reminded of the best and happiest moments we've had trying to have children.  It gets tiring being sad and depressed.  So, I think it's to the point that it's okay to move on again and be thankful for our sweet guardian angels.  There goes the fine one moment and gone the next feelings!  Haha.  Well, I've got my emotional swings pegged.  Justin recognized them long ago....:)  We will have a baby - just have to be patient.

Here's to a New Year with some better news!!

We've had some ups and downs. Our ups include getting to spend time hunting with the Davis clan in Taylor, going to Mannheim Steamroller in Grand Island with Doris and Kendra, shopping in Williamsburg, IA with my mom and family friend, Barb, running in the Turkey Trot in Hastings with Libby and Doris, and best of all... our first snow a couple of weekends ago.

Our downs have been few and far between. We don't have much to complain about. We are healthy and pretty darn happy day to day! We are both working and able to do the things we want to do. But recently, we lost our second baby. Miscarriage is a whirlwind of emotions. I have gone through every stage of grief possible with the first one and now we are reliving those stages again. It's disappointing and saddening to think it happened again. I have some new perspectives the second time around. We had just found out we were pregnant again which had taken us quite awhile to accomplish. For whatever reason, my body took a bit of time to resume a "normal" level after the first miscarriage. With the first, I had no signs or symptoms. However, this time I had plenty of symptoms. I knew something was wrong and went into see the doctor on a Friday afternoon leaving my coworkers to scramble to find coverage. Thankfully they are wonderful and said not to worry. At this point, there was nothing we could do to stop the miscarriage but at the same time my symptoms weren't always indicative of a miscarriage. So, I left feeling some hope and called Justin to share the news. The next morning, I awoke to a full fledged miscarriage. We waited until Monday to call the doctor because we knew there was nothing we could do or could have done to prevent it. I went to get my blood tested on Monday and Wednesday to check where my HcG levels were...they rose but not by much on the second test. Again, there was reason to be hopeful that everything may be alright this time. Hopeful but realistic that a small rise was not the most positive result. Hopeful but expecting the worst. Hopeful but truly knowing how I was feeling physically. Hopeful but hopeless at the same time.

I didn't have time to get excited as we did the first time. There's something to be said for an experience like this. It really wasn't as exciting because we knew what could happen. But at the same time it's so very exciting because it means so much that we COULD get pregnant again. It's being torn between exuberant optimism and deafening pessimism. I couldn't let myself get attached. I couldn't even really think beyond 8 weeks let alone what 12 weeks would be like if we made it there.

Those new perspectives I talked about...take this with the knowledge that there are stages of grief including denial, ANGER, and sadness. Please don't tell me I don't know what it's like to lose a child (i.e., death, mental illness, not talking, etc.). We have invested in our children as much as the next....we just didn't get to hold them, cuddle them, protect them, see them grow. I lost the opportunity to do that. Please don't tell me "it happens for a reason." God loves us. I love God. I have a hard time accepting this again. I don't love God any less but give me time to understand his "reasons". Give me time to accept the fact that my hopes were at the top of the mountain and now have plummeted. Please don't tell me God "has a plan" because we are living it. I am suffering and trying to understand the plan.

This is just my perspective. We have to tell ourselves it will be okay because what else can we do? Parenthood is a blessing, privilege, and a healthy baby is a miracle. It's not a "club" or "burden". Don't ever confuse it with anything else less because you don't know whose feelings you may hurt.

Merry Christmas!!

First of all, Merry Christmas to all our family and friends! I love this time of year...despite the cold weather. It's fun to get together and spend time together. We have a lot to be thankful this year...working great jobs, house is coming along, Blaze is loving life in the big backyard and spends his days chasing squirrels and birds, traveling to visit friends and family, spending time working on projects throughout the house, and the list goes on. All in all, it's been an interesting couple of months since our last post. Life has gone quickly and seems to be speeding up!

Fall has been good to us!

We have had a great fall! We started by making some salsa with the help of Doris and 50 lbs of tomatoes. We worked hard at our first canning experience and with her guidance we were successful. It took us all day from start to finish...cutting up all the veggies, boiling the lids, stewing the mixture of tomatoes, jalapenos, onion, garlic, and some secret Davis ingredients, starting the propane to boil the water for the jars, waiting for the tops to seal, and then looking on out 22 jars of salsa! Thanks so much to Doris for all of her help. I now know I can can!

 These two relaxing in the backyard after all the hard work of salsa making!

 Blaze likes his new hiding spot behind the chair.  He can keep one eye on us!

 Back in Omaha for a weekend and out with mom and dad!

 We celebrated mom's birthday before heading back to Grand Island.  Mom distracted by Isabella!

 

 

Isabella loves her new Scooby!

 

The little devil and the peanut!  Twick o Tweat!!

John

I have been exercising at the hospital.  As I leave, I pass by the chapel.  There is a bowl of little paper clippings with Bible verses on them.  Here's one I picked up today.
"Peace I leave with you,  My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not you heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
The other day I found this: "So I say to you: Keep asking, and it will be given you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you."
Why do I pick these up?  Because I need a reminder that there is an answer and plan that I have to pray, live, hope, and have faith that it will all work out.

What's Changed

Does it ever go away?  The weight of it has changed.  It's still there.  Just feels less heavy with each day that passes.  Begun to feel hopeful for the future.  Reminded regularly each day of the loss.  With a new life, our life will change again.  So ready for that change.

State Fair Time

Here are a few highlights from the weekend.

Bonfire in the backyard!

Learning to do "nothin" and getting better at it! Retirement here you come!

Justin is ready to go home, mom found some freebees, dad is smiling and following the photographer's directions! :)

Newt

This weekend we had company! Mom and dad came from Omaha to visit and see the new grounds out at Fonner Park. We walked around the exhibitions, barns, vendors, and saw a bit of the midway. It's a very nice setup they have out there but just a bit busy for us since it was the first weekend. We played the "mullet" game...of course Justin won because he scored with a female mullet which was worth 20 points. But it was a horrific do that deserved each point!

Summer is fading...Fall can't come soon enough!!:)

Lazy boy lounging in the backyard.
He listens when he wants to or when he has his shock collar on :)

Enjoying a fire out back before we can't do this anymore.

It's been a busy summer! We have made a lot of memories with family and friends and look forward to the fall. Lately, we have been working hard during the week, traveling on the weekends, or staying put trying to get some work done around the house. No real news to report but that we are alive and well!! Enjoy the rest of the summer!

BBQ's, swimming, street dancing, rodeos and all things summer!

Scenic pasture up in Taylor.

Meet Newt! He's a cute little pup that belongs to Kendra.

Checking out the cows!

The ball still lives...surprisingly.

Oakley on momma's hip smiling away!

The race is on! She did no want her picture taken!

Loungin'!

Love you girls!!

Just a thought.

Philippians 4:8 Here, my brothers, are some things I want you to think about. Think abouth things that are true, honest, right, clean and pure, things that are lovely, and things that are good to talk about. If they are good, and if they bring praise to God, think about these things.

Pain = Love

I had emailed the priest who married us to update him on our life changes since he married us on June 13, 2009. I wanted to keep in touch because I really liked him and he made it easy to understand the sacrament of marriage. He definitely made an impact on me during his sermons because he could relate everything to real life. I need black and white. But the Bible is not always that way and he had a way of explaining the gray areas to us as we completed our marriage preparation classes. Anyway, he emailed back. I have continued to have a hard time with the loss of the baby. As I've said, I can't just "get over it" and I feel guilty for still talking about it and "dwelling" on it. It's been 3 weeks since the surgery. It's been 3 weeks for my body to heal. It's been 3 weeks for everyone to forget about it. It's been 3 weeks for my mind to tell me to move on. It's been 3 weeks for my heart to break. So, I've shifted between anger, saddness, and questioning why God did this to us? I have been asking/thinking/feeling all the wrong things. I needed some clarification. I needed some peace with what I can't control. So, I emailed him and he responded with the most comforting message. He explained to me what he could and helped put my mind at ease with what I would have to find out when I go to Heaven. Which I have to work very hard to get there but the baby is a VERY fantastic reason to try to get there.

I hope that anyone who reads this or knows of a friend or family member who has experienced this can take something away from what he says. It brought so much comfort to me.

He writes...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I don't think there is anything more painful than the loss of a child. Nothing I can write can ease that pain because it is a sign of the greatness of your love. Or, to put it slightly differently, the more you love something, the greater the pain will be when it is lost. Recognize, then, that your struggles are simply a sign of the greatness of your love, and, thus, although painful, are not really bad at all.

A couple of thoughts on what God's plan is. Recognize I cannot give answers as there are none. Why God permits tragedy to enter our lives is one of the great mysteries of life. However, there are a couple of things to remember than can get us through.

1) Recognize life is a gift. It sounds cliche but is ever so important. We have a tendency to think life is something we are owed. Thus, when it is taken from us we feel cheated. The better we recognize life is a gift, the more we can rejoice in being blessed with that gift, even if only for a little while. Remember, you have known a joy that no man and not every woman every experiences -- the joy of life growing in your womb!! You were never "entitled" to that joy, but God blessed you with it because He loves you. But, why would He then "take it back"? It has to be for the same reason. He loves you! Why might this be a sign of His love? - see #2 and #3

2) You are now in very good company! Remember Mary knows the pain of the loss of a child. She can help you immensely during the difficult struggles. Turn to her frequently and ask her how in the world she did it. She will provide comfort and consolation.

3) Remember why God blesses parents with children. The only reason is so that those children can be with Him in heaven for eternity! Think about how cool this is!! The primary objective for any parent is to get their children to heaven. Having a good education, roof, food, clothing, etc... is worthless if the child loses their faith. Because of the desire you would have had to baptize your child, we know that that your child is now with God in Heaven. Thus, you have the consolation of knowing that one of your children is rejoicing forever with God!! Very, very, very parents know this. And this is the main goal of parents!!

Notice what miracles your child is working from his place as one of God's saints. You are asking important questions about God. You might be struggling with your relationship with Him at times, but this is really a sign that you are growing in your faith.

Why is this happening? Your child is intereceding for you (and Justin) from his or her place at God's side. What an ally you have in this child. Also, what motivation this can provide! After all, you (and Justin) have to get to heaven to see what the little guy (or girl) looks like. Just another way your child is making you (both) better.

In fact, I would bet that if you prayed about, God would disclose to you the gender of your child and then you can even name him or her. He or she is yours after all! Then you can communicate with him or her by name through prayer!

This does not make this an easy process. It is extraordinarily difficult. Continue to pray for strength to see these, and other realities and not be blinded pay the very real pain of loss. I will pray for you (and Justin) as well. If you have other questions or if I have confused you or if you would like further explanation, I'm always here to help.

May God bless you and Justin and your little saint!

Livin' for the Weekends

I have gotten used to working Mon-Fri during the week. It wasn't as hard a transition as I thought it would be. I love my job! I enjoy the work, my coworkers, and the people I get to help. So kids, follow your heart and find the job that you can see yourself doing for the next 30 years. I know that SLP is the fit for me and I am lucky to have figured it out. I still look forward to the weekends! We've been able to travel lately to see friends and family. It's nice to get out of town but I enjoy being home just as much.
I have been avoiding FB because so many of our friends are now pregnant or will be expecting their baby any day. I am so happy for all of them and can't wait to meet their bundles of joy. But I get a little "jealous" because of our situation. So I avoid all the wonderful news. I am not trying to be mean but I can't bear to see so many experiencing what we did with a better outcome. I have been trying to move on but it's harder than I thought. I constantly think about our baby. We have been waiting for my body to heal and for time to pass. A friend wrote something like time moves at a turtle's pace after losing a baby. She was so right! Time is at a standstill right now. We are going through the motions of "moving on" and at times it seems that we are fine. Then at other times, I still get mad because I don't understand. So, maybe life will pick up its pace once we can try again. Then maybe we'll be able to move on completely once we are pregnant and have a healthy baby.
Justin is out of town this week leaving Blaze and I to fend for ourselves. There is not too much new around the house. We mowed the yard tonight, made dinner, and doing chores around the house. I started working out again last week. We have been eating better and I feel like we are on the right track to getting healthier. I have a plan for working out and hope to be back in shape by early fall. I have made it through one week and need a couple more to make it a habit. Overall, it feels great! Other than that, I will have updates from the holiday weekend. Be safe lighting off your fireworks and enjoy your 3 day weekend!!

Wanted: Nanny

Emersen and Libby bought "Baze" a moose. He immediately was attached to it and shredded it's nose, antlers, and rear hoof. Needless to say, moose lived to see another day because we have him in a safe hiding spot. He comes out when "Baze" has been exceptionally well behaved.

Let the shredding begin!!

Taking a swig of yummy juice and being cute!

Peaceful in the arms of Justin. He'll be the best daddy someday!

We had the chance to babysit for the Todd's this week. It was just a couple of hours so mom and dad could go out for a bit and enjoy themselves. Of course, we can't turn that opportunity down so the girls came over to hang out with "Baze, Dustin, and Meruf". We are always so glad to see them both! It's so fun to see Justin interact with kids. He will be a great father someday. He is the right mix of goofy, fun, and silly rolled in one.

There is not too much going on lately. We are working and enjoying our evenings and weekends together. We were home THREE weekends in a row and it was glorious! I love being home. I think if anything, our second year of marriage had a rough start...but this has been the best weeks of our life together. We are so thankful for everything now and take nothing for granted. I love my time with him. He will be gone for training this week and I am not looking forward to it. But he will be back and we'll be able to celebrate the 4th of July with family!

Photo Updates

RIP Allie Long. Your basketball lives on through Blaze. He has tried his best to master your level of skill and even came up with the "grab and carry" technique. Hope you are proud!
Garden 2011. Better late than never. Crossing our fingers that everything pulls through!

Hot pink peonies in the backyard!Our house. It will be one year in August and thought it was about time everyone got a glimpse at the humble abode. We are comfortable here and have enjoyed making it our own. The thing about homeownership is there is always something to work on!

From a friend...

We received a beautiful card from a friend among flowers, texts, and messages from others who expressed they're sorrow for us. As I've said, we are on the mend but it's things like this that really help us get through even better.

The card read...
"To suffer a loss like yours is to know a loss unlike any other...it means letting go of a beautiful part of your life. Even though you did not have the chance to share your world with your little one, your loss is no less real and your memories are no less precious. Wishing you the comfort and the special strength you need to help you in your sadness."

It brough tears to my eyes because it seemed the best way to say what we had felt over the last two weeks. It was such a short-lived joy that we shared with everyone one week before we lost our baby. But here's to the future and moving on. My body is healing. Our hearts and minds are calming and we're waiting patiently until we can try again. But thanks for the thoughts, prayers, phone calls, and messages! We appreciate each!!

Change is on the Horizon

I am sitting outside tonight because it is so nice out! What started as a rainy and stormy day, turned out to be fairly decent. I have been thinking about the past week and a half. We are both feeling much better, laughing, joking around, enjoying each other's company, and getting back to our normal selves. Last weekend, I felt the need to clean out old school stuff, organize pictures, move furniture, pack up clothes/housewares for the Goodwill, etc. to keep myself busy. We went shopping bought sandals for me, shoes for Justin, new capris for me, and two new shirts for me. Funny how that works...I can always find something I NEED. I can speak for myself that at the time I was filling a void. I just had to keep moving forward. It worked for that time and now I feel more like myself each day. Justin said he was feeling better after Friday. He probably wondered what suddenly possessed me to make so many changes! I got a new haircut this week too and will be painting the living room this weekend with my Mom! I will post pictures of the finished project. I want to take some pictures of our garden....right now it's just railroad ties and sprinkler heads. BUT eventually it will be finished and we may just get a garden in this year. It's been great to focus my energy on being productive rather than on other less productive emotions. I go back to the doctor in a couple weeks but seem to be healing physically just fine. No true pain just discomfort. I am thankful to have such competent doctor.

I pray for Baby Bean Davis everyday. I think about you when I wake up, go to sleep, and dream about you. We love you!

Back to Work

On Monday, I had a D&C in Hastings. Justin had arranged all of the appointments and communicated with the doctor to determined the best option for us, the baby, and recovery. He did a fantastic job and I am so, so, so thankful that he was able to be strong and do that for us. I am a lucky wife to have someone who loves me so and will do whatever he can in OUR time of pain. Reaffirms why I said "yes" 2 years ago! We celebrated our 2nd anniversary at the surgery center and at home sleeping all day. It was not the best anniversary but we know that we love each other through thick and thin. There may be moments when we are angry or frustrated but those moments pale in comparison to the moments that are full of love, compassion, and understanding. I cried on and off all weekend and Justin was there to console me. I felt so selfish because it was not just MY loss but his too. I don't feel like I gave him enough and feel guilty for often thinking only about myself. But we made it through the day and will continue to feel better.

We arrived at the surgical center at 7:30am because the doctor was running ahead of schedule. I was called back to get an IV started and go over last minute questions before the surgery. The anesthetist, surgical nurse, and doctor came to tell me what would be going on once I was sent back to surgery. They gave me something to calm me down even though I was calm and ready to get it over with. They took me back and asked me to move across the beds and remembering being asked to breathe in with the O2 mask on and I was out. I woke up after surgery and I remember asking the nurse how the baby was. It was silly but for some reason I thought I would be able to see the baby like I saw on the ultrasound. There was no way that it would have looked anything like it. I just had a horrible feeling and was pretty emotional. The nurse told Justin that she gave me something to put me back asleep. I woke up about 9:30am and we were released to go home. Justin drove home and I slept. We stopped at McDonald's because Justin was hungry and I wanted a smoothie. I took two sips of it and decided I didn't want it! I slept from 10:00am until 3:30PM. I was up for a bit then went back to bed.

I went back to work today and felt better for most of the day. I really like my OBGYN and am so thankful for everything he did for us. I said many times over the past couple of days...I can't imagine being a doctor and having to give that sort of news more than once. It's crushing news and he did it so sincerely. Justin and I are okay. We will be okay. I miss our baby. It was our baby that brought us so much happiness and expectations for the future. I know my baby's soul has been in Heaven since he passed at 8 weeks but now that he is gone from my womb, I feel like he can finally rest. What a loss this was but the entire time I was pregnant it was such a blessing for both of us. We will try again once my body is back to normal. I am going to try to get in shape and be as healthy as I can for the next time we try. We don't know what the plan is for us but we love each other very much and we know that much for sure.

Battle of the Heart and Mind

Today is a better day than yesterday. I go tomorrow morning to the surgery center to have our baby removed. I don't want to forget him. I don't know why nobody talks about this. This baby was the best thing that ever happened to Justin and I. I am not ashamed of how it ended. I am deeply, deeply saddened but I don't want people to feel sorry for us. This was God's will and it took a couple of days to realize this. I was mad at first. Then I was sad. And now I am beginning to understand that it's all part of a bigger plan. But it's hard to think about where he is right now. I know he's in Heaven with my grandparents and God. At this moment, he's still part of me and knowing that gives me some solace. I want to cherish him and his soul. His heart beat at 7 weeks and at 10 weeks he could be called a fetus. His heart had been beating and his organs were beginning to develop. When I saw him on the ultrasound, he was beautiful. He looked very much like a baby even if he was only 1 inch long. He was suspended motionless in my womb. I don't want to forget any of this because God had created life out of our love.

At church today, the priest talked about letting the Holy Spirit into our hearts and praying to God for his gifts. Praying for what we knew he could provide and for the gifts that we had no idea he could provide. I prayed for this baby and he answered my prayers. For 10 weeks, I had the best gift of life that God could ever give us. I have to believe we will be blessed again. I cried through most of the service because everything reminded me of the baby. I know that Justin feels the same thing. We will move on but this is now part of us. We will never forget the emotions we've had since we found out we were pregnant. And we will especially never forget the feelings we had when we found out we lost the baby. So we'll take one day at a time. We have to get through tomorrow and then we'll have a clean slate to try again. We'll be able to say good-bye until we see him again in Heaven.

Love and Loss

We have experienced the most difficult thing today. It seems that we've lost the baby we wanted so badly. I have a dull ache in my abdomen knowing that the baby that was so beautiful is now dead. We told all our family and friends when we were 10 weeks along because we thought we were safe to do so. But now we have to share the news that we've lost the life of a child we'll never know. It's devastating. We've talked about what to do next and how to handle this loss. But there's a numbing feeling on the back of my mind. What did I do? Doctor says I couldn't have done anything. This is nature's way of taking care of a baby that may have had serious challenges. But why? When I went to the doctor today, I knew something had changed. I felt too much like my normal self. The fatigue and sickness had gone. I was feeling better each day but still had this strange feeling in my tummy. He answered all of my questions about exercising, labor, tests over the next couple of visits, etc. Then he asked me to sit on the table and was going to get a heart beat. He couldn't find a heart beat but told me not to panic because at 11 weeks it was hard to do sometimes with the machine he was using. So we moved next door. He moved the ultrasound across my tummy and I saw the baby but no flutter. I knew instantly that it wasn't alive. But it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He looked like a tiny baby. The doctor decided to do a vaginal ultrasound to "make sure he knew what he was seeing." Sure enough there was the baby but not heart beat. As I replay the events of that visit, I remember the feeling of knowing before the doctor even told me. I remember being so scared for the visit but eternally hopeful that my gut feeling was wrong. I SO, SO, SO wish it was. Now, all we have is the picture from the first ultrasound, pain, tears, and unanswered questions. I know this happens more than you'd think. The doctor kept telling me the stats....20-40% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage or there's nothing you could have done to cause this. But you know, that information is not too comforting. Justin and I knew it could happen but we didn't prepare ourselves for this consequence truly. But here we are. So I guess we'll go next week to remove our hopes and dreams from my stomach and try again.

Busy Summer!

Driving into the storms on the way back from North Platte.

Finished and still smiling!

Majestic views!
Around the campus of the university! So pretty!

Graduation group out at La Mesa to celebrate!

Family photos before the ceremony. More family :)

It's been a busy couple of months as the weather has warmed up here in Grand Island. Today is a great day to be outside until about 12:00 when it gets really HOT! We've been enjoying seeing family and friends over the past couple of weekends. At the beginning of May, I ran the Lincoln Half Marathon with Doris and we went from start to finish together! It was so nice to have someone there to push me the last two miles. The next weekend was UNO graduation. That's right folks, I am finally DONE with school and loving it! It's so nice to just go to work and enjoy my time to myself or with Justin and Blaze after 5:00. The next couple of weekends we spent in North Platte. My good friend Lindsey married Bob and the wedding was a BLAST! It was such a laid-back, fun day...not to mention the shortest Catholic wedding service I have ever been to!! The bride was beautiful and the day went of without a hitch. Thanks so much for letting me part of the wedding! I love it and love you both!!! At the end of May we went to North Platte again. But this time, Doris and I, along with a couple of her friends headed out to Boulder, CO for the Boulder Boulder 10K. It was scenic and majestic to be that close to the moutains! Pearl street was great for people watching, shopping, and eating ice cream. We walked about 8 miles up and down the strip. It was a relaxing weekend but on the way home we ran into some terrible storms. Even got to see a tornado south of the interstate at Lexington. It was enough fun and we jetted home as fast as we could! This weekend, we are home to stay and it's wonderful. For a home body, being gone so often wears me out! I love being home and able to get things done around the house.

Just another relaxing weekend...

Learning some tricks to impress the ladies!

His new favorite pastime...peeping out the front window.

Aren't they cute?! Dierk could teach Blaze a thing or two in the field.

Let us in! It's cold out here!

Justin, Brandon, Blaze, and Dierk went hunting this past weekend while I hung around in North Platte with Doris. I went with Kendra for "take your sister-in-law to work day" and learned a thing or two about thawing corn fields, redhead cows, and Loomix supplement! Here are a few photos of our favorite pup and a day in his life. We always have fun getting out of town to head West. The boys shot some pheasant and the dogs did what they're supposed to do. All in all a good weekend!