Monday, June 27, 2011

Livin' for the Weekends

I have gotten used to working Mon-Fri during the week. It wasn't as hard a transition as I thought it would be. I love my job! I enjoy the work, my coworkers, and the people I get to help. So kids, follow your heart and find the job that you can see yourself doing for the next 30 years. I know that SLP is the fit for me and I am lucky to have figured it out. I still look forward to the weekends! We've been able to travel lately to see friends and family. It's nice to get out of town but I enjoy being home just as much.
I have been avoiding FB because so many of our friends are now pregnant or will be expecting their baby any day. I am so happy for all of them and can't wait to meet their bundles of joy. But I get a little "jealous" because of our situation. So I avoid all the wonderful news. I am not trying to be mean but I can't bear to see so many experiencing what we did with a better outcome. I have been trying to move on but it's harder than I thought. I constantly think about our baby. We have been waiting for my body to heal and for time to pass. A friend wrote something like time moves at a turtle's pace after losing a baby. She was so right! Time is at a standstill right now. We are going through the motions of "moving on" and at times it seems that we are fine. Then at other times, I still get mad because I don't understand. So, maybe life will pick up its pace once we can try again. Then maybe we'll be able to move on completely once we are pregnant and have a healthy baby.
Justin is out of town this week leaving Blaze and I to fend for ourselves. There is not too much new around the house. We mowed the yard tonight, made dinner, and doing chores around the house. I started working out again last week. We have been eating better and I feel like we are on the right track to getting healthier. I have a plan for working out and hope to be back in shape by early fall. I have made it through one week and need a couple more to make it a habit. Overall, it feels great! Other than that, I will have updates from the holiday weekend. Be safe lighting off your fireworks and enjoy your 3 day weekend!!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Wanted: Nanny

Emersen and Libby bought "Baze" a moose. He immediately was attached to it and shredded it's nose, antlers, and rear hoof. Needless to say, moose lived to see another day because we have him in a safe hiding spot. He comes out when "Baze" has been exceptionally well behaved.
Let the shredding begin!!
Taking a swig of yummy juice and being cute!
Peaceful in the arms of Justin. He'll be the best daddy someday!
We had the chance to babysit for the Todd's this week. It was just a couple of hours so mom and dad could go out for a bit and enjoy themselves. Of course, we can't turn that opportunity down so the girls came over to hang out with "Baze, Dustin, and Meruf". We are always so glad to see them both! It's so fun to see Justin interact with kids. He will be a great father someday. He is the right mix of goofy, fun, and silly rolled in one.
There is not too much going on lately. We are working and enjoying our evenings and weekends together. We were home THREE weekends in a row and it was glorious! I love being home. I think if anything, our second year of marriage had a rough start...but this has been the best weeks of our life together. We are so thankful for everything now and take nothing for granted. I love my time with him. He will be gone for training this week and I am not looking forward to it. But he will be back and we'll be able to celebrate the 4th of July with family!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Photo Updates

RIP Allie Long. Your basketball lives on through Blaze. He has tried his best to master your level of skill and even came up with the "grab and carry" technique. Hope you are proud!
Garden 2011. Better late than never. Crossing our fingers that everything pulls through!

Hot pink peonies in the backyard!Our house. It will be one year in August and thought it was about time everyone got a glimpse at the humble abode. We are comfortable here and have enjoyed making it our own. The thing about homeownership is there is always something to work on!







From a friend...

We received a beautiful card from a friend among flowers, texts, and messages from others who expressed they're sorrow for us. As I've said, we are on the mend but it's things like this that really help us get through even better.

The card read...
"To suffer a loss like yours is to know a loss unlike any other...it means letting go of a beautiful part of your life. Even though you did not have the chance to share your world with your little one, your loss is no less real and your memories are no less precious. Wishing you the comfort and the special strength you need to help you in your sadness."

It brough tears to my eyes because it seemed the best way to say what we had felt over the last two weeks. It was such a short-lived joy that we shared with everyone one week before we lost our baby. But here's to the future and moving on. My body is healing. Our hearts and minds are calming and we're waiting patiently until we can try again. But thanks for the thoughts, prayers, phone calls, and messages! We appreciate each!!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Change is on the Horizon

I am sitting outside tonight because it is so nice out! What started as a rainy and stormy day, turned out to be fairly decent. I have been thinking about the past week and a half. We are both feeling much better, laughing, joking around, enjoying each other's company, and getting back to our normal selves. Last weekend, I felt the need to clean out old school stuff, organize pictures, move furniture, pack up clothes/housewares for the Goodwill, etc. to keep myself busy. We went shopping bought sandals for me, shoes for Justin, new capris for me, and two new shirts for me. Funny how that works...I can always find something I NEED. I can speak for myself that at the time I was filling a void. I just had to keep moving forward. It worked for that time and now I feel more like myself each day. Justin said he was feeling better after Friday. He probably wondered what suddenly possessed me to make so many changes! I got a new haircut this week too and will be painting the living room this weekend with my Mom! I will post pictures of the finished project. I want to take some pictures of our garden....right now it's just railroad ties and sprinkler heads. BUT eventually it will be finished and we may just get a garden in this year. It's been great to focus my energy on being productive rather than on other less productive emotions. I go back to the doctor in a couple weeks but seem to be healing physically just fine. No true pain just discomfort. I am thankful to have such competent doctor.

I pray for Baby Bean Davis everyday. I think about you when I wake up, go to sleep, and dream about you. We love you!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Back to Work

On Monday, I had a D&C in Hastings. Justin had arranged all of the appointments and communicated with the doctor to determined the best option for us, the baby, and recovery. He did a fantastic job and I am so, so, so thankful that he was able to be strong and do that for us. I am a lucky wife to have someone who loves me so and will do whatever he can in OUR time of pain. Reaffirms why I said "yes" 2 years ago! We celebrated our 2nd anniversary at the surgery center and at home sleeping all day. It was not the best anniversary but we know that we love each other through thick and thin. There may be moments when we are angry or frustrated but those moments pale in comparison to the moments that are full of love, compassion, and understanding. I cried on and off all weekend and Justin was there to console me. I felt so selfish because it was not just MY loss but his too. I don't feel like I gave him enough and feel guilty for often thinking only about myself. But we made it through the day and will continue to feel better.

We arrived at the surgical center at 7:30am because the doctor was running ahead of schedule. I was called back to get an IV started and go over last minute questions before the surgery. The anesthetist, surgical nurse, and doctor came to tell me what would be going on once I was sent back to surgery. They gave me something to calm me down even though I was calm and ready to get it over with. They took me back and asked me to move across the beds and remembering being asked to breathe in with the O2 mask on and I was out. I woke up after surgery and I remember asking the nurse how the baby was. It was silly but for some reason I thought I would be able to see the baby like I saw on the ultrasound. There was no way that it would have looked anything like it. I just had a horrible feeling and was pretty emotional. The nurse told Justin that she gave me something to put me back asleep. I woke up about 9:30am and we were released to go home. Justin drove home and I slept. We stopped at McDonald's because Justin was hungry and I wanted a smoothie. I took two sips of it and decided I didn't want it! I slept from 10:00am until 3:30PM. I was up for a bit then went back to bed.

I went back to work today and felt better for most of the day. I really like my OBGYN and am so thankful for everything he did for us. I said many times over the past couple of days...I can't imagine being a doctor and having to give that sort of news more than once. It's crushing news and he did it so sincerely. Justin and I are okay. We will be okay. I miss our baby. It was our baby that brought us so much happiness and expectations for the future. I know my baby's soul has been in Heaven since he passed at 8 weeks but now that he is gone from my womb, I feel like he can finally rest. What a loss this was but the entire time I was pregnant it was such a blessing for both of us. We will try again once my body is back to normal. I am going to try to get in shape and be as healthy as I can for the next time we try. We don't know what the plan is for us but we love each other very much and we know that much for sure.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Battle of the Heart and Mind

Today is a better day than yesterday. I go tomorrow morning to the surgery center to have our baby removed. I don't want to forget him. I don't know why nobody talks about this. This baby was the best thing that ever happened to Justin and I. I am not ashamed of how it ended. I am deeply, deeply saddened but I don't want people to feel sorry for us. This was God's will and it took a couple of days to realize this. I was mad at first. Then I was sad. And now I am beginning to understand that it's all part of a bigger plan. But it's hard to think about where he is right now. I know he's in Heaven with my grandparents and God. At this moment, he's still part of me and knowing that gives me some solace. I want to cherish him and his soul. His heart beat at 7 weeks and at 10 weeks he could be called a fetus. His heart had been beating and his organs were beginning to develop. When I saw him on the ultrasound, he was beautiful. He looked very much like a baby even if he was only 1 inch long. He was suspended motionless in my womb. I don't want to forget any of this because God had created life out of our love.

At church today, the priest talked about letting the Holy Spirit into our hearts and praying to God for his gifts. Praying for what we knew he could provide and for the gifts that we had no idea he could provide. I prayed for this baby and he answered my prayers. For 10 weeks, I had the best gift of life that God could ever give us. I have to believe we will be blessed again. I cried through most of the service because everything reminded me of the baby. I know that Justin feels the same thing. We will move on but this is now part of us. We will never forget the emotions we've had since we found out we were pregnant. And we will especially never forget the feelings we had when we found out we lost the baby. So we'll take one day at a time. We have to get through tomorrow and then we'll have a clean slate to try again. We'll be able to say good-bye until we see him again in Heaven.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Love and Loss





We have experienced the most difficult thing today. It seems that we've lost the baby we wanted so badly. I have a dull ache in my abdomen knowing that the baby that was so beautiful is now dead. We told all our family and friends when we were 10 weeks along because we thought we were safe to do so. But now we have to share the news that we've lost the life of a child we'll never know. It's devastating. We've talked about what to do next and how to handle this loss. But there's a numbing feeling on the back of my mind. What did I do? Doctor says I couldn't have done anything. This is nature's way of taking care of a baby that may have had serious challenges. But why? When I went to the doctor today, I knew something had changed. I felt too much like my normal self. The fatigue and sickness had gone. I was feeling better each day but still had this strange feeling in my tummy. He answered all of my questions about exercising, labor, tests over the next couple of visits, etc. Then he asked me to sit on the table and was going to get a heart beat. He couldn't find a heart beat but told me not to panic because at 11 weeks it was hard to do sometimes with the machine he was using. So we moved next door. He moved the ultrasound across my tummy and I saw the baby but no flutter. I knew instantly that it wasn't alive. But it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He looked like a tiny baby. The doctor decided to do a vaginal ultrasound to "make sure he knew what he was seeing." Sure enough there was the baby but not heart beat. As I replay the events of that visit, I remember the feeling of knowing before the doctor even told me. I remember being so scared for the visit but eternally hopeful that my gut feeling was wrong. I SO, SO, SO wish it was. Now, all we have is the picture from the first ultrasound, pain, tears, and unanswered questions. I know this happens more than you'd think. The doctor kept telling me the stats....20-40% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage or there's nothing you could have done to cause this. But you know, that information is not too comforting. Justin and I knew it could happen but we didn't prepare ourselves for this consequence truly. But here we are. So I guess we'll go next week to remove our hopes and dreams from my stomach and try again.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Busy Summer!

Driving into the storms on the way back from North Platte.

Finished and still smiling!

Majestic views!
Around the campus of the university! So pretty!

Graduation group out at La Mesa to celebrate!

Family photos before the ceremony. More family :)





It's been a busy couple of months as the weather has warmed up here in Grand Island. Today is a great day to be outside until about 12:00 when it gets really HOT! We've been enjoying seeing family and friends over the past couple of weekends. At the beginning of May, I ran the Lincoln Half Marathon with Doris and we went from start to finish together! It was so nice to have someone there to push me the last two miles. The next weekend was UNO graduation. That's right folks, I am finally DONE with school and loving it! It's so nice to just go to work and enjoy my time to myself or with Justin and Blaze after 5:00. The next couple of weekends we spent in North Platte. My good friend Lindsey married Bob and the wedding was a BLAST! It was such a laid-back, fun day...not to mention the shortest Catholic wedding service I have ever been to!! The bride was beautiful and the day went of without a hitch. Thanks so much for letting me part of the wedding! I love it and love you both!!! At the end of May we went to North Platte again. But this time, Doris and I, along with a couple of her friends headed out to Boulder, CO for the Boulder Boulder 10K. It was scenic and majestic to be that close to the moutains! Pearl street was great for people watching, shopping, and eating ice cream. We walked about 8 miles up and down the strip. It was a relaxing weekend but on the way home we ran into some terrible storms. Even got to see a tornado south of the interstate at Lexington. It was enough fun and we jetted home as fast as we could! This weekend, we are home to stay and it's wonderful. For a home body, being gone so often wears me out! I love being home and able to get things done around the house.