We've had some ups and downs. Our ups include getting to spend time hunting with the Davis clan in Taylor, going to Mannheim Steamroller in Grand Island with Doris and Kendra, shopping in Williamsburg, IA with my mom and family friend, Barb, running in the Turkey Trot in Hastings with Libby and Doris, and best of all... our first snow a couple of weekends ago.
Our downs have been few and far between. We don't have much to complain about. We are healthy and pretty darn happy day to day! We are both working and able to do the things we want to do. But recently, we lost our second baby. Miscarriage is a whirlwind of emotions. I have gone through every stage of grief possible with the first one and now we are reliving those stages again. It's disappointing and saddening to think it happened again. I have some new perspectives the second time around. We had just found out we were pregnant again which had taken us quite awhile to accomplish. For whatever reason, my body took a bit of time to resume a "normal" level after the first miscarriage. With the first, I had no signs or symptoms. However, this time I had plenty of symptoms. I knew something was wrong and went into see the doctor on a Friday afternoon leaving my coworkers to scramble to find coverage. Thankfully they are wonderful and said not to worry. At this point, there was nothing we could do to stop the miscarriage but at the same time my symptoms weren't always indicative of a miscarriage. So, I left feeling some hope and called Justin to share the news. The next morning, I awoke to a full fledged miscarriage. We waited until Monday to call the doctor because we knew there was nothing we could do or could have done to prevent it. I went to get my blood tested on Monday and Wednesday to check where my HcG levels were...they rose but not by much on the second test. Again, there was reason to be hopeful that everything may be alright this time. Hopeful but realistic that a small rise was not the most positive result. Hopeful but expecting the worst. Hopeful but truly knowing how I was feeling physically. Hopeful but hopeless at the same time.
I didn't have time to get excited as we did the first time. There's something to be said for an experience like this. It really wasn't as exciting because we knew what could happen. But at the same time it's so very exciting because it means so much that we COULD get pregnant again. It's being torn between exuberant optimism and deafening pessimism. I couldn't let myself get attached. I couldn't even really think beyond 8 weeks let alone what 12 weeks would be like if we made it there.
Those new perspectives I talked about...take this with the knowledge that there are stages of grief including denial, ANGER, and sadness. Please don't tell me I don't know what it's like to lose a child (i.e., death, mental illness, not talking, etc.). We have invested in our children as much as the next....we just didn't get to hold them, cuddle them, protect them, see them grow. I lost the opportunity to do that. Please don't tell me "it happens for a reason." God loves us. I love God. I have a hard time accepting this again. I don't love God any less but give me time to understand his "reasons". Give me time to accept the fact that my hopes were at the top of the mountain and now have plummeted. Please don't tell me God "has a plan" because we are living it. I am suffering and trying to understand the plan.
This is just my perspective. We have to tell ourselves it will be okay because what else can we do? Parenthood is a blessing, privilege, and a healthy baby is a miracle. It's not a "club" or "burden". Don't ever confuse it with anything else less because you don't know whose feelings you may hurt.
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