We've started the new year with some fun and relaxation.  New year, new hopes, new outlook, feeling POSITIVE!!  2011 was not so kind so 2012 can only be better!

We were able to go out for dinner to Fuji Steakhouse for New Year's Eve and then headed over to a friend's house for some games and drinks.  We played "Boxers or Briefs" and have decided we need to buy it!  It was hilarious!!!  Each person is dealt 7 cards as a dice is passed around the circle.  The cards have sayings that are true or absurd/funny.  A person rolls the dice to pick a starter phrase like "I like..." or "I don't..."  Each person then picks a sentence from their cards to describe the person who rolled.  The roller picks out a truth and a funny giving a token to each person who dealt the card.  To give you the best idea of how the night went...on one of my turns I rolled "I have..." and someone graciously handed me a card with "I have a load in my pants."  Pretty obvious that was the FUNNY, no truth.  It was my kind of card game...not much thinking to it.  Roll the dice, read the cards, pick two.  I have a short attention span and can lose track of rules in a split second.  Ask Justin.  Anyway, it was amusing and probably the best time we've had in awhile!!

On New Year's Day we got to go to Taylor to celebrate Christmas with the Davis and Spencer clans.  We always have a good meal and time with the family.  It was beautiful outside so the dogs terrorized each other outside!

I've joined the YMCA this week.  It was a long time coming because since we've moved here I have been in search of something like we had in Omaha.  I tried working out by myself at the hospital gym but got bored.  I tried a couple classes/boot camps but didn't keep with it.  So, the goal is to swim and try some of the classes they offer at the YMCA.  I am excited because I have to be in better shape for the Lincoln Half Marathon than I was last year.  Luckily, I will have Doris running with me again to help pace and motivate throughout the run.  She's a great partner!

Justin is staying busy and planning to go hunting soon with Blaze.  He hears the word "hunting" or "bird" and gets all excited!!  Blaze that is. :)  They will enjoy their time in the wide open.  Justin has been busy with work and it seems we have the same routine...go to work, come home, relax/sleep and get up to do it all over again.  We live for the weekends!!  If any of you would like to visit, our house is always open and we'd love to have you!!!  It would spice up our lives a bit!

Just Another Manic Thursday

Today was a good day that seemed to end badly.  Nothing to do with work but just simply coming home and cleaning up around the house.  I was organizing bills and filing some paperwork.  I ran across the ultrasound pictures from our first baby.  There are moments when the pains of this loss still hit.  Especially with the recent loss still fresh on my mind.  It's overwhelming and so despairing.  I can be just fine one minute and the next in a total loss of sadness and depression.
I put the pictures in a frame because our baby was so beautiful.  The picture was just sitting atop some papers from the doctor so I finally decided to do something with it to preserve it a bit better.  He brought us so much joy from the first moment we knew of him and so did his brother or sister.  We will try again and hope to have better success next time.  Little reminders like this will be around for the rest of our days.  I think it's inevitable that every time I see a baby, baby clothes/toys, pregnant women, etc. it will be a reminder.  But I want to be reminded of the best and happiest moments we've had trying to have children.  It gets tiring being sad and depressed.  So, I think it's to the point that it's okay to move on again and be thankful for our sweet guardian angels.  There goes the fine one moment and gone the next feelings!  Haha.  Well, I've got my emotional swings pegged.  Justin recognized them long ago....:)  We will have a baby - just have to be patient.

Here's to a New Year with some better news!!

We've had some ups and downs. Our ups include getting to spend time hunting with the Davis clan in Taylor, going to Mannheim Steamroller in Grand Island with Doris and Kendra, shopping in Williamsburg, IA with my mom and family friend, Barb, running in the Turkey Trot in Hastings with Libby and Doris, and best of all... our first snow a couple of weekends ago.

Our downs have been few and far between. We don't have much to complain about. We are healthy and pretty darn happy day to day! We are both working and able to do the things we want to do. But recently, we lost our second baby. Miscarriage is a whirlwind of emotions. I have gone through every stage of grief possible with the first one and now we are reliving those stages again. It's disappointing and saddening to think it happened again. I have some new perspectives the second time around. We had just found out we were pregnant again which had taken us quite awhile to accomplish. For whatever reason, my body took a bit of time to resume a "normal" level after the first miscarriage. With the first, I had no signs or symptoms. However, this time I had plenty of symptoms. I knew something was wrong and went into see the doctor on a Friday afternoon leaving my coworkers to scramble to find coverage. Thankfully they are wonderful and said not to worry. At this point, there was nothing we could do to stop the miscarriage but at the same time my symptoms weren't always indicative of a miscarriage. So, I left feeling some hope and called Justin to share the news. The next morning, I awoke to a full fledged miscarriage. We waited until Monday to call the doctor because we knew there was nothing we could do or could have done to prevent it. I went to get my blood tested on Monday and Wednesday to check where my HcG levels were...they rose but not by much on the second test. Again, there was reason to be hopeful that everything may be alright this time. Hopeful but realistic that a small rise was not the most positive result. Hopeful but expecting the worst. Hopeful but truly knowing how I was feeling physically. Hopeful but hopeless at the same time.

I didn't have time to get excited as we did the first time. There's something to be said for an experience like this. It really wasn't as exciting because we knew what could happen. But at the same time it's so very exciting because it means so much that we COULD get pregnant again. It's being torn between exuberant optimism and deafening pessimism. I couldn't let myself get attached. I couldn't even really think beyond 8 weeks let alone what 12 weeks would be like if we made it there.

Those new perspectives I talked about...take this with the knowledge that there are stages of grief including denial, ANGER, and sadness. Please don't tell me I don't know what it's like to lose a child (i.e., death, mental illness, not talking, etc.). We have invested in our children as much as the next....we just didn't get to hold them, cuddle them, protect them, see them grow. I lost the opportunity to do that. Please don't tell me "it happens for a reason." God loves us. I love God. I have a hard time accepting this again. I don't love God any less but give me time to understand his "reasons". Give me time to accept the fact that my hopes were at the top of the mountain and now have plummeted. Please don't tell me God "has a plan" because we are living it. I am suffering and trying to understand the plan.

This is just my perspective. We have to tell ourselves it will be okay because what else can we do? Parenthood is a blessing, privilege, and a healthy baby is a miracle. It's not a "club" or "burden". Don't ever confuse it with anything else less because you don't know whose feelings you may hurt.

Merry Christmas!!

First of all, Merry Christmas to all our family and friends! I love this time of year...despite the cold weather. It's fun to get together and spend time together. We have a lot to be thankful this year...working great jobs, house is coming along, Blaze is loving life in the big backyard and spends his days chasing squirrels and birds, traveling to visit friends and family, spending time working on projects throughout the house, and the list goes on. All in all, it's been an interesting couple of months since our last post. Life has gone quickly and seems to be speeding up!

Fall has been good to us!

We have had a great fall! We started by making some salsa with the help of Doris and 50 lbs of tomatoes. We worked hard at our first canning experience and with her guidance we were successful. It took us all day from start to finish...cutting up all the veggies, boiling the lids, stewing the mixture of tomatoes, jalapenos, onion, garlic, and some secret Davis ingredients, starting the propane to boil the water for the jars, waiting for the tops to seal, and then looking on out 22 jars of salsa! Thanks so much to Doris for all of her help. I now know I can can!

 These two relaxing in the backyard after all the hard work of salsa making!

 Blaze likes his new hiding spot behind the chair.  He can keep one eye on us!

 Back in Omaha for a weekend and out with mom and dad!

 We celebrated mom's birthday before heading back to Grand Island.  Mom distracted by Isabella!

 

 

Isabella loves her new Scooby!

 

The little devil and the peanut!  Twick o Tweat!!

John

I have been exercising at the hospital.  As I leave, I pass by the chapel.  There is a bowl of little paper clippings with Bible verses on them.  Here's one I picked up today.
"Peace I leave with you,  My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not you heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
The other day I found this: "So I say to you: Keep asking, and it will be given you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you."
Why do I pick these up?  Because I need a reminder that there is an answer and plan that I have to pray, live, hope, and have faith that it will all work out.

What's Changed

Does it ever go away?  The weight of it has changed.  It's still there.  Just feels less heavy with each day that passes.  Begun to feel hopeful for the future.  Reminded regularly each day of the loss.  With a new life, our life will change again.  So ready for that change.