Life's not fair...

but we don't always get what we want. I think everyone has a general idea of where they want their lives to go say after hitting college graduation, marriage, first jobs, new house, new car, getting a dog, taking vacations, kids, etc. I don't think Justin and I are any different from others who have wanted to reach those milestones. But life doesn't always take us down the path we've expected to travel. Justin and I have a lot to be thankful for...especially each other.  We have always had a rough road. As another friend put it, we are constantly at "battle". Thanks Libby.You hit the nail on the head there. Haha! Justin and I are too much alike in some ways and too different in other ways. We have always been able to have a good argument. We always said our "honeymoon" phase ended before we were even married. We weren't kidding. Regardless of our difficult differences, we love each other. We have the same goals. We value the same things.We enjoy spending time together. We are even getting better at arguing (less finger pointing/blaming and more "I feel..." statements and "I'm sorry"). We are back to the time in 2011 that we were pregnant the first time. It's been this past year that has changed us the most. I am a strong woman. But I have felt sorrow, sadness, despair, and more that has challenged me to go on. I have a hard time trying to explain the depth of loss I have felt even to my husband. I have always been able to feel sadness more than happiness. It's harder for me to feel joy than sorrow. I don't know why that is but I am a good crier. I have always worn my emotions on my sleeve. Through all of this, I have felt alone. Not because my husband, family, and friends haven't tried to reach me. I think it's because I feel this emptiness in my arms and my heart. I think of what our babies would have looked like...how our lives would have changed....and so on. But at the same time, I have a good number of days where I feel good again. Physically, after the hormones have waned, I've lost those few pounds I gained, etc. Mentally, I am on target at work, I have fun out with friends, I have upcoming events to look forward to, and more. Those days tend to outweigh the bad days. Justin and I have conversations about what we'll do next. Justin is good at making me feel better but I have to decide myself that I want to move on too. Even with our recent miscarriage less that a week ago, I feel like I am in a better place than I have been this whole year. We may have some good news at our follow-up visit. We may have a new direction.  We may have some ANSWERS although I am going to remain guarded and realistic. If anything, I can't get too hopeful but it's okay to feel a little. So, friends, we'll see where this next year takes us. Time heals all wounds, right? My whole self needs some healing. I don't know what the future holds for Justin and I but we have to think good things will happen. Keep saying those prayers for us. Each one helps!

Getting down to the bottom of it all...

It's been awhile since my last post and I am sorry to keep you all in suspense to know of our busy, interesting lives:)  Haha!  We have been keeping our nose to the grindstone, getting ready for spring, taking Blaze for walks, working out at our new Crossfit Heartland gym, and enjoying our evenings together.  We, I mean, I still have my ups and downs.  Sometimes getting through the day takes a lot but I don't think that's any different from anyone else with hardships in their lives.  Since the last post, I've had some moments of sadness and despair but MORE moments of loving our life we've created.  I've come to some more realizations... more wits of wisdom from yours truly.  What's happened to change my mind about what's really important in our lives: A death. Life is sometimes cruel and unfair but most of all too short.  A good friend's mother passed away after battling uphill for a number of years.  It was really, really nice to see her again but not under such sad circumstances.  I was so happy to be there for her and I realized I needed to be there for her more than I had in the past few years.  You are a great friend and I love you!  Thank you for letting me be the friend I once was!  Friends.  As I've said in the past posts, I have made some great friends in Grand Island.  I am so lucky to be able to play bunko, volleyball, and have a good support group.  I have to shout out to my red-headed lady who I am so glad I met in college.  Our weekly coffee visits are some of the best times I've had with you doing nothing but drinking a steamer or hot chocolate and hashing out our weekly drama.  My fellow YMCA lady has been so very nice to work with and get to know.  You are very thoughtful, sensitive, and can make me laugh DAILY!  My coworker at the BMAC has been fantastic to work with, learn from, and help me navigate life.  She really is sincere and so very helpful!!  Visits to Omaha.  I really like getting back to Omaha to visit.  I've been able to see my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and sister over the past few months.  I love seeing them as I was used to do that on a weekly basis when we lived in Fremont.  My niece is growing into the most adorable, silly, sweet girl.  She definitely entertains.  What did we do or talk about before you?!  Education.  I am taking my Celiac disease more seriously than ever because I feel it's impacting our ability to have children.  I have been reading articles online, talking with my neighbor who is a great source of information, and will be making an appointment for the GI doctor to ensure there aren't any other hidden GI issues.  I want to do everything we can to avoid another miscarriage.  After the first and second miscarriage, I absorbed as much as I could from online articles, books, talking with our OBGYN, etc.  However, I think my concerns with the celiac disease was downplayed when it may have more of an impact on me than I thought.  I don't have the same symptoms I had two years ago but I know gluten is not eliminated 100% from my diet.  My husband.  Justin can get me out of those "downs" I talked about earlier because they are pretty rough.  Whatever I am experiencing...whether it be depression or not...my emotions can be triggered by the dumbest things.  Baby items, pictures, pregnant bellies, etc.  At times, I feel so engulfed by loss.  I feel guilty because I am still grieving almost a year from when we were pregnant the first time.  I feel guilty because I should be "over it" by now.  I feel guilty because I don't pray to our babies everyday.  I feel guilty because pregnancy is all around me leaving me to think "why not me?"  I feel guilty for being jealous that others are living their dreams without the pain of having it taken away in an instance.  I feel guilty because I over analyze everything I put in my body and think I could do better.  Basically, I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself and for being negative.  But, I am not "over it".  I can cry in an instance.  I don't know what's going to make it better.  I am going through the motions every day.  Sometimes slapping a smile on my face works and I can have a good day.  Justin is very supportive and I am so, so glad he's in this with me.  I love you!  My YMCA friend gave me a pamphlet about miscarriage which was so helpful.  Part of it was about forgiving yourself and allowing yourself the time to grieve that you need.  I need to feel sad because our babies were beautiful.  I need to feel happy because I need the hope that we will be blessed with a baby.  Needless to say, I want some answers.  I am going to do anything I can to find them. 
Lots of rambling tonight but there's no other way to say "this sucks".  I can be as positive as  I want...but in the end this sucks!!  There that made me feel better.  :)

Much to be thankful for in this new year!

I have been going full fledged into "new year, new you" and enjoying every minute of it  Looking back at last year has made me understand a lot more about my life than ever.  Justin and I have so much to be thankful for despite any losses we've had through 2011.  We are happy with where are lives are headed and trying to stay positive for the future.  We will have a baby when it's meant to happen.  
I have made some sincere and endearing friends in Grand Island.  When we moved here, I didn't know a soul.  Traveling outside of town to finish my internships made it all the more difficult to meet others and get involved in things throughout town.  Until starting at GIPT in May, Justin and I pretty much hung out by ourselves.  Since working, I have met the most fantastic people!!  I love my coworkers and have made some friendships that I see lasting for a long time.  You all make me days at work so pleasant!  I love their nickname for me "Hollywood" because it's the farthest thing from the truth.  I enjoy playing volleyball with a group from another clinic and look forward to it each week.  I have even improved my setting skills :) We are lucky to have some friends move to town after we arrived.  We've been able to spend so much time with them and their girls that I cherish!  I learned to play Bunko (I know...real tough to roll a dice and count) with some ladies I work with and some mutual friends.  Recently, I joined the YMCA to start swimming and try out a few classes.  I love being back in the water.  I have missed swimming and forgot how good of a workout it is!  I have a few friends who are pregnant and expecting their babies any time.  It's so exciting to be part of baby showers and lending an ear when they need it.  I haven't experienced a full term pregnancy but I can imagine what it's like to make it through delivery and hold your baby.  We've been able to visit our families over the holidays and spend time with them.  We always like getting to Omaha and North Platte.
Basically, I love our friends and family!  We've had some rough months behind us but that's where they are staying.  We are moving toward the future and hoping for the best!!

We've started the new year with some fun and relaxation.  New year, new hopes, new outlook, feeling POSITIVE!!  2011 was not so kind so 2012 can only be better!

We were able to go out for dinner to Fuji Steakhouse for New Year's Eve and then headed over to a friend's house for some games and drinks.  We played "Boxers or Briefs" and have decided we need to buy it!  It was hilarious!!!  Each person is dealt 7 cards as a dice is passed around the circle.  The cards have sayings that are true or absurd/funny.  A person rolls the dice to pick a starter phrase like "I like..." or "I don't..."  Each person then picks a sentence from their cards to describe the person who rolled.  The roller picks out a truth and a funny giving a token to each person who dealt the card.  To give you the best idea of how the night went...on one of my turns I rolled "I have..." and someone graciously handed me a card with "I have a load in my pants."  Pretty obvious that was the FUNNY, no truth.  It was my kind of card game...not much thinking to it.  Roll the dice, read the cards, pick two.  I have a short attention span and can lose track of rules in a split second.  Ask Justin.  Anyway, it was amusing and probably the best time we've had in awhile!!

On New Year's Day we got to go to Taylor to celebrate Christmas with the Davis and Spencer clans.  We always have a good meal and time with the family.  It was beautiful outside so the dogs terrorized each other outside!

I've joined the YMCA this week.  It was a long time coming because since we've moved here I have been in search of something like we had in Omaha.  I tried working out by myself at the hospital gym but got bored.  I tried a couple classes/boot camps but didn't keep with it.  So, the goal is to swim and try some of the classes they offer at the YMCA.  I am excited because I have to be in better shape for the Lincoln Half Marathon than I was last year.  Luckily, I will have Doris running with me again to help pace and motivate throughout the run.  She's a great partner!

Justin is staying busy and planning to go hunting soon with Blaze.  He hears the word "hunting" or "bird" and gets all excited!!  Blaze that is. :)  They will enjoy their time in the wide open.  Justin has been busy with work and it seems we have the same routine...go to work, come home, relax/sleep and get up to do it all over again.  We live for the weekends!!  If any of you would like to visit, our house is always open and we'd love to have you!!!  It would spice up our lives a bit!

Just Another Manic Thursday

Today was a good day that seemed to end badly.  Nothing to do with work but just simply coming home and cleaning up around the house.  I was organizing bills and filing some paperwork.  I ran across the ultrasound pictures from our first baby.  There are moments when the pains of this loss still hit.  Especially with the recent loss still fresh on my mind.  It's overwhelming and so despairing.  I can be just fine one minute and the next in a total loss of sadness and depression.
I put the pictures in a frame because our baby was so beautiful.  The picture was just sitting atop some papers from the doctor so I finally decided to do something with it to preserve it a bit better.  He brought us so much joy from the first moment we knew of him and so did his brother or sister.  We will try again and hope to have better success next time.  Little reminders like this will be around for the rest of our days.  I think it's inevitable that every time I see a baby, baby clothes/toys, pregnant women, etc. it will be a reminder.  But I want to be reminded of the best and happiest moments we've had trying to have children.  It gets tiring being sad and depressed.  So, I think it's to the point that it's okay to move on again and be thankful for our sweet guardian angels.  There goes the fine one moment and gone the next feelings!  Haha.  Well, I've got my emotional swings pegged.  Justin recognized them long ago....:)  We will have a baby - just have to be patient.

Here's to a New Year with some better news!!

We've had some ups and downs. Our ups include getting to spend time hunting with the Davis clan in Taylor, going to Mannheim Steamroller in Grand Island with Doris and Kendra, shopping in Williamsburg, IA with my mom and family friend, Barb, running in the Turkey Trot in Hastings with Libby and Doris, and best of all... our first snow a couple of weekends ago.

Our downs have been few and far between. We don't have much to complain about. We are healthy and pretty darn happy day to day! We are both working and able to do the things we want to do. But recently, we lost our second baby. Miscarriage is a whirlwind of emotions. I have gone through every stage of grief possible with the first one and now we are reliving those stages again. It's disappointing and saddening to think it happened again. I have some new perspectives the second time around. We had just found out we were pregnant again which had taken us quite awhile to accomplish. For whatever reason, my body took a bit of time to resume a "normal" level after the first miscarriage. With the first, I had no signs or symptoms. However, this time I had plenty of symptoms. I knew something was wrong and went into see the doctor on a Friday afternoon leaving my coworkers to scramble to find coverage. Thankfully they are wonderful and said not to worry. At this point, there was nothing we could do to stop the miscarriage but at the same time my symptoms weren't always indicative of a miscarriage. So, I left feeling some hope and called Justin to share the news. The next morning, I awoke to a full fledged miscarriage. We waited until Monday to call the doctor because we knew there was nothing we could do or could have done to prevent it. I went to get my blood tested on Monday and Wednesday to check where my HcG levels were...they rose but not by much on the second test. Again, there was reason to be hopeful that everything may be alright this time. Hopeful but realistic that a small rise was not the most positive result. Hopeful but expecting the worst. Hopeful but truly knowing how I was feeling physically. Hopeful but hopeless at the same time.

I didn't have time to get excited as we did the first time. There's something to be said for an experience like this. It really wasn't as exciting because we knew what could happen. But at the same time it's so very exciting because it means so much that we COULD get pregnant again. It's being torn between exuberant optimism and deafening pessimism. I couldn't let myself get attached. I couldn't even really think beyond 8 weeks let alone what 12 weeks would be like if we made it there.

Those new perspectives I talked about...take this with the knowledge that there are stages of grief including denial, ANGER, and sadness. Please don't tell me I don't know what it's like to lose a child (i.e., death, mental illness, not talking, etc.). We have invested in our children as much as the next....we just didn't get to hold them, cuddle them, protect them, see them grow. I lost the opportunity to do that. Please don't tell me "it happens for a reason." God loves us. I love God. I have a hard time accepting this again. I don't love God any less but give me time to understand his "reasons". Give me time to accept the fact that my hopes were at the top of the mountain and now have plummeted. Please don't tell me God "has a plan" because we are living it. I am suffering and trying to understand the plan.

This is just my perspective. We have to tell ourselves it will be okay because what else can we do? Parenthood is a blessing, privilege, and a healthy baby is a miracle. It's not a "club" or "burden". Don't ever confuse it with anything else less because you don't know whose feelings you may hurt.

Merry Christmas!!

First of all, Merry Christmas to all our family and friends! I love this time of year...despite the cold weather. It's fun to get together and spend time together. We have a lot to be thankful this year...working great jobs, house is coming along, Blaze is loving life in the big backyard and spends his days chasing squirrels and birds, traveling to visit friends and family, spending time working on projects throughout the house, and the list goes on. All in all, it's been an interesting couple of months since our last post. Life has gone quickly and seems to be speeding up!