Love and Loss

We have experienced the most difficult thing today. It seems that we've lost the baby we wanted so badly. I have a dull ache in my abdomen knowing that the baby that was so beautiful is now dead. We told all our family and friends when we were 10 weeks along because we thought we were safe to do so. But now we have to share the news that we've lost the life of a child we'll never know. It's devastating. We've talked about what to do next and how to handle this loss. But there's a numbing feeling on the back of my mind. What did I do? Doctor says I couldn't have done anything. This is nature's way of taking care of a baby that may have had serious challenges. But why? When I went to the doctor today, I knew something had changed. I felt too much like my normal self. The fatigue and sickness had gone. I was feeling better each day but still had this strange feeling in my tummy. He answered all of my questions about exercising, labor, tests over the next couple of visits, etc. Then he asked me to sit on the table and was going to get a heart beat. He couldn't find a heart beat but told me not to panic because at 11 weeks it was hard to do sometimes with the machine he was using. So we moved next door. He moved the ultrasound across my tummy and I saw the baby but no flutter. I knew instantly that it wasn't alive. But it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He looked like a tiny baby. The doctor decided to do a vaginal ultrasound to "make sure he knew what he was seeing." Sure enough there was the baby but not heart beat. As I replay the events of that visit, I remember the feeling of knowing before the doctor even told me. I remember being so scared for the visit but eternally hopeful that my gut feeling was wrong. I SO, SO, SO wish it was. Now, all we have is the picture from the first ultrasound, pain, tears, and unanswered questions. I know this happens more than you'd think. The doctor kept telling me the stats....20-40% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage or there's nothing you could have done to cause this. But you know, that information is not too comforting. Justin and I knew it could happen but we didn't prepare ourselves for this consequence truly. But here we are. So I guess we'll go next week to remove our hopes and dreams from my stomach and try again.