Back to Work

On Monday, I had a D&C in Hastings. Justin had arranged all of the appointments and communicated with the doctor to determined the best option for us, the baby, and recovery. He did a fantastic job and I am so, so, so thankful that he was able to be strong and do that for us. I am a lucky wife to have someone who loves me so and will do whatever he can in OUR time of pain. Reaffirms why I said "yes" 2 years ago! We celebrated our 2nd anniversary at the surgery center and at home sleeping all day. It was not the best anniversary but we know that we love each other through thick and thin. There may be moments when we are angry or frustrated but those moments pale in comparison to the moments that are full of love, compassion, and understanding. I cried on and off all weekend and Justin was there to console me. I felt so selfish because it was not just MY loss but his too. I don't feel like I gave him enough and feel guilty for often thinking only about myself. But we made it through the day and will continue to feel better.

We arrived at the surgical center at 7:30am because the doctor was running ahead of schedule. I was called back to get an IV started and go over last minute questions before the surgery. The anesthetist, surgical nurse, and doctor came to tell me what would be going on once I was sent back to surgery. They gave me something to calm me down even though I was calm and ready to get it over with. They took me back and asked me to move across the beds and remembering being asked to breathe in with the O2 mask on and I was out. I woke up after surgery and I remember asking the nurse how the baby was. It was silly but for some reason I thought I would be able to see the baby like I saw on the ultrasound. There was no way that it would have looked anything like it. I just had a horrible feeling and was pretty emotional. The nurse told Justin that she gave me something to put me back asleep. I woke up about 9:30am and we were released to go home. Justin drove home and I slept. We stopped at McDonald's because Justin was hungry and I wanted a smoothie. I took two sips of it and decided I didn't want it! I slept from 10:00am until 3:30PM. I was up for a bit then went back to bed.

I went back to work today and felt better for most of the day. I really like my OBGYN and am so thankful for everything he did for us. I said many times over the past couple of days...I can't imagine being a doctor and having to give that sort of news more than once. It's crushing news and he did it so sincerely. Justin and I are okay. We will be okay. I miss our baby. It was our baby that brought us so much happiness and expectations for the future. I know my baby's soul has been in Heaven since he passed at 8 weeks but now that he is gone from my womb, I feel like he can finally rest. What a loss this was but the entire time I was pregnant it was such a blessing for both of us. We will try again once my body is back to normal. I am going to try to get in shape and be as healthy as I can for the next time we try. We don't know what the plan is for us but we love each other very much and we know that much for sure.